My Corgi Lab Partner is the Biggest Asshole Ever

This came to us from a 10th grader in Indianapolis.



Dear Corgis are Assholes:

My partner for chem lab is the biggest fucking asshole ever. All the teachers LOVE him. They think he's the greatest thing ever. All the other kids worship him. In fact he's the student body president. I don't know what to do, it's driving me crazy and my parents say I have a problem with discriminating against corgis, but this guy sucks. He pees in all the beakers, turns all the Bunsen Burners into bongs, and he even chewed up my lab notes. I'm scared that I'm gonna fail this class, and no one seems to understand what an asshole this guy is and I get blamed for everything. What should I do?

Signed,

Cooped up with corgi

Dear Cooped Up:

Thank you for letting us know. What you're experiencing is a typical corgi interaction. Everyone around you thinks the the corgi is so sweet and so perfect. But he's really an evil cad. Here at Corgis are Assholes, we try to get the word out. Please know that you're not alone. The next time the corgi tries to pee in your beaker or misuse lab equipment, please tell on him.  I hope this advice is helpful.

Best Wishes,

The Robin Hood of Everything Not Corgi.








Thanks to Obsessive Corgi Disorder for Image. 

Corgi Rapes and Pillages a Petco

This Corgi, a visitor from lands unknown showed up at the Petco in Walker, Michigan looking to start trouble. And trouble abounded as he mounted a Great Dane, while ripping apart a giant bag of Iams and lassoing a cat with a chain attached to a flea collar.  After rounding up all the pets and having his way with them, he stole all the chew toys and took an iguana and parrot hostage and left the store with the parrot on his shoulder, the Iguana on a leash and a surplus of catnip and snausages.

Corgi Gets Drunk at Bar, Throws Up, Attempts to Make Out with Girl

This poor slob just won't remember what happened come tomorrow morning. But we were all at this bar in Allston when this  Corgi started making out with a girl who was actually a dude (I couldn't really tell) and right in the middle of making out with her (him)  the Corgi leaned over the bar and started projectile vomiting at the bartender. Then, he turned around and started making out with the girl (who I still think was a dude) again. The bartender tried to kick him out, but Corgi just peed on the bar stool and laughed maniacally while he continued projectile vomiting and making out with the girl (dude). He then stole a bottle of Cuervo Gold and ran out of the bar singing "don't stop believing," while he ran farting all the way down Brighton Ave. Oh Corgi.

Corgi is your Most Annoying Friend on Facebook

This Corgi, an unemployed D&D geek, has spent the past 96 hours straight on Facebook. In this time,  he has liked over 30,000 different pages, and commented on them, posted 97 different youtube videos of cats being tortured, liked all them, commented on all of them, then liked all of his comments, posted links to farmville, vampireville, and occupycorgiville all over each of his friends' walls, shared 14,000 different news stories and commented on all of them, discussed his unrequited love for Steve Jobs, then took it back with a one dies millions cry. millions die no one cries post. He then posted, "Communism is worse than cigarettes," with a picture of him smoking. He then named out all the people who unfriended him and spent hours making up scandalous lies about them and updating his feed with them. His new slogan is, "Defriend me, I come find you and pee." And then he did.

Overprivledged Corgis Incite Riot at Occupy Wallstreet

These Connecticut Corgis, (Biff and Chip Unfairbanks) showed up in their matching Ralph Lauren Sweaters and Versace sunglasses and strutted back and forth on Zuccotti Park with signs saying, "We're the 1% and we're going to pee on you..." while snorting and laughing maniacally and calling everyone dirty peasants. They only breaked to sit and sip brandy and smoke Opus X's and discuss loudly how they haven't paid taxes since 1987 since their Dad plays golf with George Bush and how Buddy and Socks were proletariats. For their grand finale', they did a walking tour of the protest where they lifted their legs and peed on as many people wearing flannel as they possibly could, then while people ran after them, they fled and  jumped a jitney for East Hampton and escaped laughing maniacally.




Picture taken from Brownie Bites

Posse of Corgis Block Man from Using Bathroom and Mug Him

 
This notorious gang of corgis accosted a man who was  attempting to use the urinal in an Arby's restaurant outside of Wichita.  Juanita, the lead corgi (and only bitch in the litter), pulled a knife on the man and threatened him by saying, "We know you got the Snausages El Jefe, so why don't you just hand them over and nobody gets hurt,"
"No Corgi No, I don't have any Snausages, just leave me alone." The corgis closed in on him and at Juanita's prompting, all lifted their legs and peed on him, leaving him with soggy yellow ankles and in tears. They then put on their little corgi masks and ran off into the cold Kansas night without a trace. When interviewed by KWCH, the man was quoted as saying, "No one is safe from Corgis anymore, what happened to a world where we could eat Roast Beef Sandwiches and urinate in peace."  What happened indeed.